You know you’re in a Cretan village

when. . .

1. You’re on the way to the cemetery and along the way, you almost step on / trip over one dead snake, two dead birds, and a dead hedgehog.

2. You’re walking along, minding your own business, and you get stuck behind the watermelon truck and have to take a detour. (You’ve got to love narrow streets.)

3. The innocent looking, clear liquid in a plastic bottle (sometimes with the original water bottle label left on) could be water. Or raki. Or kerosene. (Raki or kerosene? Same difference. Both are flammable.) Be careful.

4. You’re in a restaurant at 11 o’clock at night. Nobody has even mentioned ordering dinner yet. Or bedtime for the kids.

5. You’re in a cafe, restaurant or taverna, and the waiter sits down and joins you, just to schmooze. Or smoke. Or drink raki. Or eat watermelon. Or, most likely, all of the above.

6. You walk into your cousin’s house and there’s a dead animal on the table, something from the rabbit family, that her husband brought home after hunting in the mountains. You avoid looking at the thing. The next time you see it, it’s on a serving dish at New Year’s lunch.

Seven months later, you’re looking at photos on your cousin’s computer and there it is again, in all its furry glory.

7. You’re eating a Greek salad. Every ingredient, including the olive oil, has been grown / produced by somebody you know.

8. You go into somebody’s house. They don’t ask if you want something to drink. They ask what you’re going to drink. Because like it or not, you’re going to be drinking something.

9. You find yourself having conversations with flies and mosquitos. The topic? Personal space. You suggest a compromise: they can share your room on the condition they stay at least six inches away from you at all times. And stop landing on your e-reader when you’re reading in bed at night and it’s the only light in the room.

10. You’re being devoured by mosquitos. Somebody suggests (seriously, I might add) putting raki on your ankles. So then what? You wonder if the mosquitos will get too drunk to bite you. You also wonder if you’re better off just drinking the raki to distract you from the misery by a) getting you too drunk to notice the itching and / or b) setting your mouth on fire.

11. People may or may not wear seat belts. They may or may not touch raw meat and then put their hand in a container of salt, put half empty cans back in the refrigerator, and / or give their dogs chicken bones.

Yet somehow, everyone’s fine. . .

12. Everybody knows your name. It’s just like Cheers. Only hotter. And dustier.

Oh. And WAY more gorgeous.

13. You’re speaking Greek with Dutch people.

14. Your biggest fear in life becomes slipping on wet and / or broken marble or tile.

15. You can’t sleep in on Sunday mornings, because you’re staying across the street from the church. And the church has bells. And loudspeakers.

16. You can pay for meals with Euros. of course. Or, you can pay with other things. For example:

17. People, young and old, have lyra music as their ring tones.

18. “White noise” consists of crickets, goat bells, birds (you have yet to identify) that sound like owls, and the click of worry beads.

19. When the moon rises over the water, it looks so close you’re tempted to reach up and grab the thing.

20. You never, ever, ever want to leave. . .