Okay Rain. Okay Monday.

Let’s talk.

Hello Rain. Hello Monday. Thanks for coming. We simply MUST have a chat.

So. Who’d like to go first? Rain? Okay, have a seat, make yourself comfy. 

~

Water is a good thing. That, I am down with. I grew up watching Sesame Street:

 

But here’s the thing. A little moderation never hurt anybody. Don’t you ever take a break? Dumb question: Doesn’t the sky ever run out of you? 

I’m way, way past the point of singing cute little nursery rhymes that politely suggest that your relocation might be appreciated. 

Now, it’s personal.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of rain pounding the life out of my air conditioner. The dog sat up, tilted his head, and growled at the window. I don’t blame him.

Poor guy hasn’t had a chance to sniff around the dog run in days. And in my household, when Doggie ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Got it?

Last week, when I arrived at the broker to sign my lease, I was dripping so much they had to send me to the bathroom with a roll of paper towels. My umbrella, you ask? Useless when tested against your power. Although the guys selling them outside the subway station were making a fortune. Pardon the question, but are you perhaps in cahoots with these people? 

Sometimes, I like you. A lot. Who doesn’t enjoy a rainy day at home, curled up under a blanket. But one can’t stay home all the time. Some of us have to work. Some of us have a commute.

At this point, it’s ark building time.

If my students have even one more day of indoor recess, I’m going to make YOU teach them after lunch. Capice?

I know, I know. There are plenty of places that are desperate for rain. But here’s a thought. Why don’t you pick one of those places and go there? I’ll even hang a map on my wall and throw a dart if that might be of help to you.

Have you been on Twitter of Facebook? Have you not heard the tales of mold and webbed feet? 

BTW, there is still mold growing in the corner of my living room ceiling. That’s what happens when you come inside, uninvited. Even vampires have the decency to wait for an invitation before they come inside. 

Lastly. What’s with the whole teaming up with Monday thing about? What did I ever do to you? 

~

Now Monday. Let’s cut right to the chase. 

Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. Go eat worms. 

Were you on Twitter and/or Facebook this morning? In case you missed it, here’s a recap: Monday = Day Of Suckitude. 

Okay, it’s not necessarily your fault that you have to follow the weekend. Somebody has to be in that unfortunate position. Problem is, you seem to enjoy it more than necessary.

People despise you so much they’re driven write songs about the pain:

 

Your general ickyness is so toxic it even seeps into Sunday. And you know how I feel about Sunday.

Was it not bad enough that I was up at 5:30 this morning? I was actually running ahead of schedule and feeling rather pleased with myself. And then the dog puked his guts out all over my living room floor and my MetroCard went AWOL.

Apparently, even that wasn’t enough. You just had to team up with Rain so I’d trip avoiding a puddle and spill coffee all over my shirt. A shirt I just washed. And you know how I feel about laundry.

So I arrived at work wet. And covered in coffee. Then later in the day, I had an unfortunate incident wherein a seventh grader got tomato sauce on my already ruined shirt. 

I truly believe that statistically speaking, these things are less likely to occur on your average Tuesday or Thursday. (No, you most certainly should NOT be proud of that.)

No offense, but would it not behoove you to have some better PR? You’re stuck with the whole first day of the workweek thing, but you could help the situation by, I don’t know, maybe giving everybody a free latte or drink of their choice on their way to work, or sending the UPS guy to people’s door with boxes of wine. Just a thought.

~

Well Rain and Monday. I hope you’ve found this conversation as fruitful as I have. 

I leave you with this parting gift, written just for the two of you, the happy couple: