A Blessing on my Head?

January 19th, 2010 by Melina

Mazel tov? Mazel tov?

So, apparently I’m getting married.

A blessing on their heads, mazel tov, mazel tov. ♬

Who knew? Did you know? Because I certainly didn’t. And here I thought I’d be the first to know. Or at least the second.

Such an assumption I made.

To see Melina wed, mazel tov, mazel tov. ♬

Turns out, the teachers at school (and it’s a tiny little Hebrew day school in Brooklyn, if that explains anything) think I’m old, washed up, and pathetic at the ripe old age of 31. Well, they didn’t exactly say that to my face, but I got their point.

Which is this: They want there should be ♪ a canopy in store for me. ♬

They want my mother should have ♪ such a son in-law, like no-one ever saw. ♬

As for the boy(s) they have in mind: ♪ A worthy boy is he, from pious family. ♬

Oy. Vey iz mier.

I’ve known since last year that there’s been talk of making me a match.

Well, somebody has to arrange the matches. Young people can’t decide these things themselves. ♬

And these potential matches might, for all I know, be direct descendants of Tzeitel and The Tailor Motel Kamzoil. I’d like to think that my friends and colleagues are well connected and want the best for me. If they haven’t given up.

But it wasn’t until this morning that I had the whole picture.

It all started when I got to school. Through no fault or effort of my own, a group of teachers in the hallway decided I looked (unusually) glamorous. Who knew a coat from the Old Navy clearance bin could work such wonders? (Me? Glamorous? No, it’s not just you. I could’ve been knocked over with a feather myself.) One of the teachers said we should leave school and go to Manhattan to “find me a cutie.”

I’ve got to interrupt this tale right here to inform you that while I appreciate the efforts, I have nothing to do with it. It’s not like I’ve been prancing around school doing this:

YouTube Preview Image

You see, I come from a long line of very strong, very independent, single people. Sure, I’d love to get married. But I’m also okay the way things are. So why my colleagues are going on and on about marrying me off, I can only guess.

Here are some highlights of the discussion that was going on behind my back (but right in front of my face):

1. “The girl [that’d be me, hi] goes to shul but she doesn’t go out.” (As you can imagine, this statement did wonders for my non hip and up-and-coming self image. It’s also not true. Let’s all take a moment to remember the glory that was Noah.)

2. “She really should look into online dating.” (Um. . . Yeah, I know I’m the computer teacher and have a reputation that involves a well publicized Internet addiction, but: A. How do you people know I haven’t? B. I write romance novels and chick lit. There’s nothing wrong with online dating, but for now I have hope that my personal story will be something else.)

3. “She has to stay away from Mrs. X and Mrs. Y, because their single daughters are her competition.” (To which I respond thusly: You people can’t be serious.)

This was followed by talk of which teachers have sons my age. A few do, but sadly (actually, to my relief), they’re taken.

But not to worry. These sons have friends, and friends of friends, who are probably hearing about the sad, pathetic old-maid-that-is-me as we speak.

If they haven’t heard about me already.

So, dear teacher friends and yentes, all I ask is this. I’m well aware of the reality that I have absolutely no say in this matter. My uncle has informed me that these things are “always decided by committee.”

But please keep this in mind:

♪ ♬ ♩Playing with matches

A girl can get burned


Bring me no ring

Groom me no groom

Find me no find

Catch me no catch

Unless he’s a matchless match! ♬ ♫ ♩

Like I said. I’m fine with things the way they are. I mean that sincerely. But, I guess this scenario wouldn’t be so terrible either:

YouTube Preview Image

If the teachers succeed in their mission, I’ll invite you all to the wedding. That is, if they give me any advanced warning about it. I’m thinking they might get the new school rabbi to walk into class with a nice Jewish locksmith and a chuppah and perform the ceremony right in front of the SMARTBoard. (Kidding. Sort of.)

See you there! :-)

Posted in Chutzpah, Fun With YouTube, Mel the Brooklynite, So NOT hip and up-and-coming. . ., The Lucky Mr. Mel

6 Responses

  1. Karen

    You would kid me about a wedding invitation?
    And a SMARTBoard?
    A wonderful idea.
    Do you want I should start working on the background images for the ceremony?


  2. admin

    Oh, I would never kid about inviting you to the wedding!

    Very sweet offer about the background images. Now that I think about it, a SMARTBoard wedding could be quite cool. And I know how you love Photoshop. :-)

  3. Cynthia

    Just don’t put yourself into a situation that will require them to call a locksmith. Then you’ll know you’re being set up.

  4. Pamela Cayne

    I was going to say you should make up an imaginary boyfriend to get them off your back, but then they’d want some kind of proof, and then it sounded like a fabulous story for you to write, so for my (early) wedding gift to you, I give you this as a story. And thanks for getting that soundtrack stuck in my head!!!

  5. Melissa Blue

    Oh, dear. There’s nothing worse than well meaning. The implied problem is that WM does not involve asking the receiver their opinion. And then you top on the guilt that’ll be laddled on like cold gravy–“but we did this for you!” You do in fact have the makings of a chick-lit novel. Maybe it could be called The Year I Married Without Knowing It. You may not think you are hip, but I say your life is popcorn worthy.

  6. admin

    Well, Mel. . . Glad to provide a bit of entertainment for you! :-)

    Pam, you never know what novel #4 will bring. Meanwhile, I was considering embellishing the Noah story for them. :-)

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