The “Eyes” Don’t Have It

Why I totally flunked my eye test

So.  I come home for two weeks and what do I do?  I get my teeth cleaned.  I get my hair cut.  I get my eyebrows waxed.  It’s partly because it’s cheaper here than in NY (although not by much).  It’s partly because I have more time here (although again, not much).  And partly because RWA Nationals is just days away.

Well, according to the dentist, everything is fine and dandy.  But she did say that I have a very small mouth. I quoted her to my family, who thought that was the most laughable thing they’d ever heard.

Anyway, I’m like a car going in for a tune up, so when I go back to NY, I’ll be ready to roll.  

Except for the eyes.  The visit to the optometrist didn’t go so well.  I failed the eye test.  In a big way.  This was very odd, the doctor and I thought.  She shook her head and declared that we had to stop the exam so she could check my corneas.  Which, it turns out, are all inflamed and scratched up due to faulty contact lenses.  No wonder I’ve had to make all my documents 200%.  

So no contact lenses for at least a week.  This wouldn’t be such a problem since I don’t have any real plans that involve the outside world, except for the fact that my glasses broke and are beyond repair.  They just fell off my face.  The very nice office lady at the eye doctor asked if I could function without any corrective lenses.  She then proceeded to hand me a key pad so I could fork over a month’s salary for the eye exam.  I could barely make out the numbers.  “I guess we have to give you something temporary,” she said.  

Um, yeah.  Because without corrective lenses, I’m blinder than a bat.  With the added cornea issues, I’m blinder than a bat with cataracts.  (Do bats get cataracts?  I don’t know.  But you get my point, no?)  And as smart as Hamudi is, he’s too excitable to be a seeing eye dog.  And let’s face it.  He’s too selfish.

The nice office lady found a sample pair of frames and squeezed my old glasses lenses into them.  Which is why I look like Toula Portokalos before the makeover:

My replacement frames arrive Wednesday.  At least they’ll be free.

I just hope I don’t have do go to Nationals in glasses.  Sigh.

(Hi, it’s me again.  A few hours after I wrote this, it suddenly occurred to me that some of you may think that that’s me in the picture.  It’s not.  It’s Nia Vardalos.  It’s just that my temporary glasses make me look just like that.  O.k.  I feel much better now that that’s settled.)