Someday He’ll Come Along

March 20th, 2010 by Melina

The Man I Love. . .

Hi People.

In light of the recent efforts of my colleagues to make me a match, and since the subject has been coming up lately, I’ve decided it’s time to tell the universe and my matchmakers exactly what I want in a guy. (Not that my matchmakers, aka my colleagues, will be reading this. . . ¬†G-d forbid. . . ¬†Seriously, can you imagine if they found my blog? Unless it’s a colleague who happens to be a colleague and a FB friend – in which case, I say welcome, thanks for stopping by!)

Anyway, here it goes. I’ve mapped out my perfect man, who shall henceforth be known as The Lucky Mr. Mel, and broken it down by category.


Shared Beliefs

1. Computer Use

Mr. Mel must be a Mac user. If, for some unfortunate reason, like a job situation, he must use a PC, he must complain about it, and share my absolute and unconditional adoration towards the glory and genius that is Apple.

He must also not diss Twitter and Facebook. Used well, they are powerful tools.

2. Religious Beliefs and Practices

I know, that sounds obvious. But if we’re going to share a kitchen and co-exist on Saturdays and holidays, that’s a given.

3. Political Views

I’m not so political, but I strongly believe that a person’s political views reflect his or her values, sometimes even more than religious beliefs. And let’s not forget that I was born in Berkeley. . .

4. Children

I want them. (In spite of the fact that I’m around them all day and they can be so annoying my biological clock starts to wonder why it even bothers to keep ticking).

So must he.

Practical Stuff

1. Height

You know how tall women want tall men because they want to be able to wear heels? That’s not what I’m getting at here. I’m 5 feet tall. I need a tall guy because, unfortunately, I’m not in possession of Go-Go Gadget Arms. On my wedding day, the step ladders are going into storage, as Mr. Mel will always be around to reach stuff for me. Really, I’m having it added to our ketubah.

2. Lock Picking Abilities

Enough said.

Stuff He’ll Have to Put Up With

1. Creature

So this guy I was seeing sat down on my couch, and Creature jumped onto his lap. It was the cutest thing I ever saw. I reached for the camera to take a picture of my men.

Then Mr. Wishes-He-Was-Lucky-Enough-To-Be-Mr. Mel pushed Creature off of his lap and asked to borrow my lint roller. OMGWTFBBQ.

I dumped him.

2. The Color Pink

I’m not going to apologize for it. I’ve got a pink cover on my laptop. A pink hairbrush. A pink shower curtain. He’ll just have to deal with it.

Not to mention the fact that when I’m revising, I use sparkly pens and bright, flowery sticky notes. And that makes me happy.

3. Sleeping. . . Or not

Sleeping isn’t one of my talents. When I do sleep, I have a tendency to dance along interpretively to my dreams. This bugs the hell out of Creature, and I imagine Mr. Mel might not care for it either. He’ll also have to deal with my inability to deal with mornings.

And for the record: My hair in the morning? NOT pretty. I’ve been told the morning me resembles Medusa.

4. The Jewish / Aries / Greek Combo

Seriously. Could I be any more intense?

5. Hummus

If my recipe scares him, he’s toast.

Or possibly a vampire, and while I’m open minded, I simply refuse to deal with that.

6. Writing Chatter

1. I can go on about the internal / external conflict and character arcs in shows like Buffy and Gilmore Girls for hours on end. And I must say I find my analysis fascinating. I also have a tendency to rave about Scrivener and explain my plotting process while speaking at length about plot holes in my WIP.

I Should Be So Lucky

1. Looks

I’m not picky, but I wouldn’t complain if he had black hair and blue eyes. Oh, and strong arms. Yeah. I kind of like that.

2. Musical Abilities / Interests / Talents

It wouldn’t kill him to be into music, or better yet, a musician. And snaps if he’s into the Greek / Israeli / Middle Eastern music scene. I’ve written 3 novels. All 3 heros are musicians. Just saying.

3. Last Name

Please, let it be easy to spell. I’ve had two last names (long story) that have not been easy to spell or pronounce. It’s enough already.


Well, okay, so the “Stuff He’ll Have to Put Up With” category is the longest, and I just thought of about 20 more things to add to that list (like my talent for hyperbolic kvetching and the colorful and creative language I use when speaking to my uncle), but oh well. He’ll have his issues too.

So there you have it. If you happen to see this guy around, and he’s 1) single, 2) straight, 3) and between the ages of, say, 30 – 40, send him on over. Just make sure he reads this first, so he can’t say he wasn’t warned.

Love y’all, mean it.


P.S. Tell him that I promise to tell Creature to be nice. :-)

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Posted in Mel the Brooklynite, Mel's Favorite Posts, The Lucky Mr. Mel

9 Responses

  1. Cynthia

    You are incredibly normal for someone born in Berkeley. Of course the place is just sooooo pretty and full of character (no not that kind) that I’d almost consider living there. Almost.

    Okay, you don’t have to promise the Creature will be nice. You’ve already established how positively wonderful he is . . . with other people. So I have no doubt he’ll charm the pants (pun intended) off Mr. Mel.

    Oh and you know, just know you’ve cursed yourself with the last name thing don’t you?

    And as a fellow shorty, tall is must. Personally I’m getting to that dangerous age where climbling store shelves could cause serious damage. Oh and there’s always that spider in the one corner I can’t reach and well, that’s one of the things on my list. The man must kill the bugs. Yup, I know, I’ll find the one man more afraid of spiders than I am because I am just that gifted.

  2. Karen

    Cynthia’s right, consider Creature a screening device. Can’t trust someone who doesn’t like animals.

    My last name was a lateral trade. You might have to bend on that one.

  3. admin

    LOL on the last name. That’s why I put it under the “lucky” category instead of the practical one. I’m willing to bend on that one.

    Good point on the screening device too.

    Cynthia, grocery stores are dangerous. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reached for something only to have something fall off the shelf and onto my head.

    And thanks for the “normal” comment! That’s just hilarious. ;-)

  4. Pamela Cayne

    I’m still cracking up at the “lock-picking abilities” requirement! But I will absolutely keep my eyes peeled for Mr. Mel. (And if I find him, can I be a bridesmaid?) :-)

  5. admin

    Pam, sweetie, of course you can be a bridesmaid! Wiffer Wedding!

    And about the locks. I’m way more into practicality than anything else. I just realized that I, the romance writer, didn’t say anything about how sweet or romantic he has to be. Will RWA take away my membership?

  6. Marilyn Brant

    Mel, this was absolutely, positively the funniest and most wonderful post I read today!! I SO want Lucky Mr. Mel to appear on the scene so I can send him an email telling him how very lucky he is. Which he will already know because he will have met your criteria (and your Creature) and will adore you both.

  7. admin

    Hi Marilyn!

    Thanks for stopping by and reading, and for your sweet comment.

    Glad I could provide a bit of amusement! ;-)

  8. » Blog Archive » “My” Dog? What dog?

    […] If I had a dog, it would be a real dog. Like a lab. Not this cartoon version of the species I live with. It would be loyal, and sweet, and love going fishing and stuff with The Lucky Mr. Mel. […]

  9. Meredith Schorr

    Ok, I am VERY late to this post, but I absolutely loved it. You’re hilarious :) And the guy you were seeing who threw Creature off your lap? Definitely deserved to be dumped. In a garbage bin.

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